I Want to breathe and live

When I thought -that was it for me, my love will not come now yet, when I thought everything was over, suddenly something came up. He’s back! He’s back! I can’t believe my eyes when I received his message on my phone that evening. I was shocked, happy, sad, amazed, blurred and so much feelings mixed up. The ex-boyfriend has text me back! The one who got married to another woman, the one whom I considered as my first love. When he was about to get married, I had this thought came into my mind, why can’t I be like in the novels and movies? Why can’t I get married to my first love?? Isn’t we are all supposed to get married to the first love? Isn’t first love should be eternal and forever and happy together ever after? I am so unlucky, so cursed that I did not get to be with my first love when all that matters when you fall in love is to be with that special first love.  Everyone else does. Everyone else in this world get to marry with their first love. I’m so doomed that of all the people in the world, I am the one who did not get to live with my first love! I’m such a pity and stupid! But after a while, I tend to get over it. I don’t want to remember it. I put it all in my unconscious mind so that I don’t have to recall of having such pitiful love. And then suddenly out of nowhere, he shows up. He told me something that I don’t want to hear. He said that he’s wife is already pregnant. 6 months pregnant.  A husband and a father to be and I am a widow with a broken heart. But that’s not all. He said something else. He said that he still loves me and he wants to take me as his second wife. For a while, I fall for his words. We texted for a few days, for almost a week and I started to think that I’m maybe still in love with him. I was not sure too. I was not sure of what to do. I was torn apart. On one hand, I don’t want to break his wife’s heart. I’m not that evil! I’m not a seducer or a husband’s stealer because technically, the wife took him away from me first! Plus, the wife is pregnant..pity her (not so much, just a little bit) and the baby (so much pity-ness for this little unborn one) for the reason that I might take away the husband and the father from them and I don’t want to do so. First, I know that I don’t want to get married to someone’s husband. 2^nd, I DON’T WANT TO SHARE, 3^rd,  he is someone’s husband already. So should I continue this relationship or not? But on the on the other hand, can’t I just be selfish? Can’t I just for once, think of my own happiness and shut my eyes close and just go with the relationship? What?? Don’t I deserve to be happy as well? I get my second chance again to live happily with him. I should have taken it. This kind of opportunity will not come again later. It’s now or never! So to solve my problems, I asked around. I asked my bffs, my friends and then make evaluation out of it. So as expected, all of them, I repeat, ALL OF THEM said NO to the question- should I take this risk and couple back with him or not? They gave many right reasons of why but I have a stubborn heart. I don’t ignore them completely but I just kept the advises in my mind. Maybe they got points in there. So I just pretend that nothing happened and continue the relationship as usual until last night. I asked him serious questions but the answers that I got, really really break my heart for the second time.  Here’s the truth that he told me, the truth that I should have realize when the first time he texted me back. He said to me: you are the one who should give a deep thought about this. Not me. I am a married guy and about to have a baby at the end of this year. I can’t be serious with you. For now, I consider you as a JOKE. I will never marry you because I’m already married. Yes, I love you but we will NEVER get married, that is something that you have to realize. I just want to play around with you. And come one, why do you have to be so serious about this? Life is long ahead. You are my scandal, my girlfriend, my friend. We can be anything that you like- I was crushed. Plus, he said that he is happy with his wife. He leads an OK life. And I can’t be number one in his life because he already got one, the wife. I will always be second, if I want to.  My heart was hurt half and another half of it crushed just like that. Oh my god..i am a joke?? I am a joke?? Again and again, I’m a joke??  You step into my life again, you came to me saying that you still love me and wanted me to be your second wife, gave me all the dreamy dreams and in one second, you just ripped that off from me! Why you do even came back if the reason is to see I’m in pain again?? Why do you come back?? Why??  You said yourself that you’re happy with your wife! Then why on earth did you contact me back?? Just to torture my feelings??? To play around and then you laugh your ass out??Don’t you had enough?? Are you happy when you slash my heart again and again and see my tears falling through my cheeks? Are you happy when I cry? Are you happy to see I’m sad?? When all that I had in my mind was just to see you happy. I never had a grudge over you. I said to you over and over, I’m happy as long as you are happy. If you are happy when you are with someone else then go ahead, I’ll be happy too. It doesn’t matter if my heart hurts as long as I can see you’re smile .In fact, I always miss you and I hope the best for you. I pray for your happiness, I sacrificed a lot to see you happy but you?? You enjoy see me cry and sad and miserable. Why do you do this to me?? What had I done wrong to you?? Why do you come back if you just want to rip my heart apart? Why? Why?……. I cried last night before I went to bed. I just don’t get it. I gave myself a big deep long thought. And I came up with a solution. I think I’m better off without him. I don’t need a jerk in my life. I don’t deserve to be in pain after all that I’ve gone through. I want to be happy. And I think I’m happier without him. Everybody deserves to be happy and so do I am therefore, I’m letting him go. I don’t want to see his face anymore or even to listen to his voice. I’m a strong girl. I know I can survive without him; I’ve done it for 7 months already, what’s up with another 7 months or a year even?  The causes of why I want to kick his ass out of my life are : 1^st, I deserve a better looking guy, 2^nd, I deserve a single guy, 3^rd I deserve more pious guy than him, 4^th, I deserve an excellent high level iQ guy than him, 5^th, I deserve a better family members than he got and the most important one is, I deserve a guy who truly sincerely madly in love with me and only me. A guy who willing to sacrifice everything for me, who will take a very good care of me and will never look at other woman other than me and who will loves me with all of his heart… J  Suddenly I think that it’s a good thing I didn’t get married to that stupid- good for nothing-guy and poor the wife cause she has to stuck with him for the rest of her life because hey, he’s a womanizer.  He’ll never stick up with one woman, always have another.  Wife, I feel soooooo sorry for you. Tu lah, sape suruh kau amik bf aku, bongok! Nasib kau lah, padan muka! For the ugly moron: wutever loserrr!!  I don’t believe you anymore! Save your sweet like sugar words to other unlucky girl cause as fas as I know, I am sooo lucky for not be with you. Kau gilaaa!! Aku harap kau cacat dan miskin. Pegi mati! For the baby: hey little one, I’m not going to blame anything on you. You know nothing but just as an advice, please baby, don’t be like your father when you grow up..i know you can be better. J and for me: let’s men hunt!! Hehehehe..i rest my case. Goodnite world!!