Persediaan RAYA!!

After a few days I’ve stop writing my own story and trying to develop a novel, I begin to get tired and run out of ideas. Maybe my brain can’t function well to stimulate a brilliant storyline for my novel yet. Therefore, I want to write my story back. A peek of my life! I’m currently at home..Somewhere in beloved TERENGGANU, one of the most famous state in Malaysia, well-known for its beaches and bitches..hahah just kidding! We are good people okay! J Always smiling and have very warm hearts…come to see it by yourself! J Anyway, I’m on my bed right now. Listening to “I got a feeling” by BEP and got stuck with it. I love the song! It sounds nice and catchy. Okay…let’s get to business.  Just a few days left before hari raya and like so many years before this year, I AM the one in-charge to clean the house, put up some curtains, change some cushions and decorate the house. Luckily, they don’t ask me to make the kuih raya because they don’t trust my cooking skills. Well, diorang yang rugi sebab aku boleh masak okay! Who are they? They are the big bosses, a little bit lower than my mother’s status which is the master of the house.  The big bosses are my siblings- 3 sisters and 3 brothers. One of my brothers will fly to Manchester 4 days more with his wife and a son so this raya, they won’t celebrate it with us. I don’t really like it. I mean, I’m not used to have raya without him. We are all always be together even some may return home a day or two after the first raya. It doesn’t matter as long as we still get to see each other’s face but this raya, he won’t be with us. So, it’s a little bit odd. Poor him…anyway, even if he’s not around, I still have to do all the house chores since I’m their Cinderella. They LOVE to make fun of me by calling me names such as orang gaji, maid indon, servant or anything but I prefer Cinderella instead. So this coming raya, about 6 days more, I have to plan well before I start my works. Since my sister will only get home 4 days before raya  and my other sister has her own house to take care of and my other sister is busy with her jobs, I have to do it all. The brothers? They also have their own house to think about.  Harini, mommy dah bising giler tanya biler nak start buat kerja rumah? Bile nak sapu habuk kat atas kipas dan lain2. My head almost crack. I said to her, “ tunggulah..nak kemas rumah bukan senang. Kena pikir dulu nak start dari mane. Satu demi satu..nanti kang tak siap semua..”

Note: being rebellious here won’t save me from the chores cause if I rebel, mother will straight away tell my sisters and I will not get my duit raya. Or she will do the other way, she will babbled for 3 hours and start sobbing saying that what is the use of having a daughter if my daughter can’t help even a bit with the chores. If I’m still young, I would do all these things with my two bare hands and will not ask helps from you and on and on…..I can’t stand the babbles as well as the sobbing and poor mummy so I would do my works as fast as I could.

Then, like so many years before, I will make a plan of what to do first. I think I’ll start it tomorrow. Hmm…the list:

1)      Basuh langsir

2)      Sapu lantai bawah dengan dapur semua. Lap dan mop sekali

3)      Sapu ruang tamu dan mop. Turunkan langsir, pasang langsir raya

4)      Kemas ruang tamu. Hias-hias sikit

5)      Cuci semua tingkap. Kemas bilik-bilik..nanti Kak Ya balik

6)      Mop dan sapu ruang tamu kedua. Alih barang-barang yang serabut mata

7)      Alih semua barang-barang yang tak nak. Buat final touch. Check ape yang takde dan buang ape yang semak

8)      Susun kuih raya atas meja makan

9)      Tolong masak untuk raya esok

There…the list is done. All the works have to be done a day before raya. Hope I can finish all them up soon! J wait, what is your menu for raya? We got our already but I’m going to reveal it after this. Tak best la cakap sekarang kan..huhu.  oh, esok nak keluar dengan kawan..tolong dia hantar assignment lepas tu boleh pergi bazarrr!! Yay sukeeee…:D hum…nak makan ape yek esok? Any ideas fellas?  Okay..i’ll write again later. For now? I’m going to take my bath..it’s 11 p.m. then I would like to be in lala land..sleeping time!! Dream dream dreaammmsss….goodnite all and have a wonderful day tomorrow!!

If…

If I’m your love,

Trust me you’re not going to regret it

Cause I’m the best lover you’ll ever had,

Cause I’m going to love you till the end

Cause it’s going to be magical!

I’ll hug you up every night when we look at the stars,

I’ll kiss you every morning when you get up,

I’ll think of you every time when I’m in shower, when I cook, when I watch the tv, when i stay late at night,

I’ll make you smile a lot,

I’ll wash your tears when you cry,

I’ll be there when you call me, when you need me,

I’ll keep quite if you don’t want me to talk,

But I promise you I won’t run away,

Even if you mad at me or you scold me out loud,

I’ll be there cause I know you need me.

If I’m your love,

I’ll make your life like hell and heaven,

I’ll give you headache and laughter,

I’ll  put  you in pain and peace,

I’ll make you cry and happy,

Cause I want to colour your life, not to plain it,

And That’s what I am for.

If I’m your love,

I’m all yours,

My heart, my soul, my world,

They are all yours cause you’re them,

And I’ll tell you over and over again,

I love love love you, LOVE…<3

I Want to breathe and live

When I thought -that was it for me, my love will not come now yet, when I thought everything was over, suddenly something came up. He’s back! He’s back! I can’t believe my eyes when I received his message on my phone that evening. I was shocked, happy, sad, amazed, blurred and so much feelings mixed up. The ex-boyfriend has text me back! The one who got married to another woman, the one whom I considered as my first love. When he was about to get married, I had this thought came into my mind, why can’t I be like in the novels and movies? Why can’t I get married to my first love?? Isn’t we are all supposed to get married to the first love? Isn’t first love should be eternal and forever and happy together ever after? I am so unlucky, so cursed that I did not get to be with my first love when all that matters when you fall in love is to be with that special first love.  Everyone else does. Everyone else in this world get to marry with their first love. I’m so doomed that of all the people in the world, I am the one who did not get to live with my first love! I’m such a pity and stupid! But after a while, I tend to get over it. I don’t want to remember it. I put it all in my unconscious mind so that I don’t have to recall of having such pitiful love. And then suddenly out of nowhere, he shows up. He told me something that I don’t want to hear. He said that he’s wife is already pregnant. 6 months pregnant.  A husband and a father to be and I am a widow with a broken heart. But that’s not all. He said something else. He said that he still loves me and he wants to take me as his second wife. For a while, I fall for his words. We texted for a few days, for almost a week and I started to think that I’m maybe still in love with him. I was not sure too. I was not sure of what to do. I was torn apart. On one hand, I don’t want to break his wife’s heart. I’m not that evil! I’m not a seducer or a husband’s stealer because technically, the wife took him away from me first! Plus, the wife is pregnant..pity her (not so much, just a little bit) and the baby (so much pity-ness for this little unborn one) for the reason that I might take away the husband and the father from them and I don’t want to do so. First, I know that I don’t want to get married to someone’s husband. 2^nd, I DON’T WANT TO SHARE, 3^rd,  he is someone’s husband already. So should I continue this relationship or not? But on the on the other hand, can’t I just be selfish? Can’t I just for once, think of my own happiness and shut my eyes close and just go with the relationship? What?? Don’t I deserve to be happy as well? I get my second chance again to live happily with him. I should have taken it. This kind of opportunity will not come again later. It’s now or never! So to solve my problems, I asked around. I asked my bffs, my friends and then make evaluation out of it. So as expected, all of them, I repeat, ALL OF THEM said NO to the question- should I take this risk and couple back with him or not? They gave many right reasons of why but I have a stubborn heart. I don’t ignore them completely but I just kept the advises in my mind. Maybe they got points in there. So I just pretend that nothing happened and continue the relationship as usual until last night. I asked him serious questions but the answers that I got, really really break my heart for the second time.  Here’s the truth that he told me, the truth that I should have realize when the first time he texted me back. He said to me: you are the one who should give a deep thought about this. Not me. I am a married guy and about to have a baby at the end of this year. I can’t be serious with you. For now, I consider you as a JOKE. I will never marry you because I’m already married. Yes, I love you but we will NEVER get married, that is something that you have to realize. I just want to play around with you. And come one, why do you have to be so serious about this? Life is long ahead. You are my scandal, my girlfriend, my friend. We can be anything that you like- I was crushed. Plus, he said that he is happy with his wife. He leads an OK life. And I can’t be number one in his life because he already got one, the wife. I will always be second, if I want to.  My heart was hurt half and another half of it crushed just like that. Oh my god..i am a joke?? I am a joke?? Again and again, I’m a joke??  You step into my life again, you came to me saying that you still love me and wanted me to be your second wife, gave me all the dreamy dreams and in one second, you just ripped that off from me! Why you do even came back if the reason is to see I’m in pain again?? Why do you come back?? Why??  You said yourself that you’re happy with your wife! Then why on earth did you contact me back?? Just to torture my feelings??? To play around and then you laugh your ass out??Don’t you had enough?? Are you happy when you slash my heart again and again and see my tears falling through my cheeks? Are you happy when I cry? Are you happy to see I’m sad?? When all that I had in my mind was just to see you happy. I never had a grudge over you. I said to you over and over, I’m happy as long as you are happy. If you are happy when you are with someone else then go ahead, I’ll be happy too. It doesn’t matter if my heart hurts as long as I can see you’re smile .In fact, I always miss you and I hope the best for you. I pray for your happiness, I sacrificed a lot to see you happy but you?? You enjoy see me cry and sad and miserable. Why do you do this to me?? What had I done wrong to you?? Why do you come back if you just want to rip my heart apart? Why? Why?……. I cried last night before I went to bed. I just don’t get it. I gave myself a big deep long thought. And I came up with a solution. I think I’m better off without him. I don’t need a jerk in my life. I don’t deserve to be in pain after all that I’ve gone through. I want to be happy. And I think I’m happier without him. Everybody deserves to be happy and so do I am therefore, I’m letting him go. I don’t want to see his face anymore or even to listen to his voice. I’m a strong girl. I know I can survive without him; I’ve done it for 7 months already, what’s up with another 7 months or a year even?  The causes of why I want to kick his ass out of my life are : 1^st, I deserve a better looking guy, 2^nd, I deserve a single guy, 3^rd I deserve more pious guy than him, 4^th, I deserve an excellent high level iQ guy than him, 5^th, I deserve a better family members than he got and the most important one is, I deserve a guy who truly sincerely madly in love with me and only me. A guy who willing to sacrifice everything for me, who will take a very good care of me and will never look at other woman other than me and who will loves me with all of his heart… J  Suddenly I think that it’s a good thing I didn’t get married to that stupid- good for nothing-guy and poor the wife cause she has to stuck with him for the rest of her life because hey, he’s a womanizer.  He’ll never stick up with one woman, always have another.  Wife, I feel soooooo sorry for you. Tu lah, sape suruh kau amik bf aku, bongok! Nasib kau lah, padan muka! For the ugly moron: wutever loserrr!!  I don’t believe you anymore! Save your sweet like sugar words to other unlucky girl cause as fas as I know, I am sooo lucky for not be with you. Kau gilaaa!! Aku harap kau cacat dan miskin. Pegi mati! For the baby: hey little one, I’m not going to blame anything on you. You know nothing but just as an advice, please baby, don’t be like your father when you grow up..i know you can be better. J and for me: let’s men hunt!! Hehehehe..i rest my case. Goodnite world!!

The Sadness of My Heart.

It has been a year now since my last recorded life that I wrote in here. I’m back again…but this time around, with a very sorrow heart. I am still me, the same joyful girl that everyone knows. I have not change a bit in that part yet and I am glad because I don’t want to live in sorrowness. At least not until the night has come and I’m on my bed, looking at the moon and stars. For the past one year of hard, fun and struggle life, I’ve learnt so many things. Things that I never thought before and those make me a better person. I start to live my life again using my brain this time and not my desire. I’m glad that I was awaken by the feeling to change and that one, I thanks my experiences, my friends and my family and the Almighty as he has gave me the second time to change and to breathe. Last semester, my 2^nd sem in here, I had my ups and downs. I was rejected, I was hurt, I was thankful, and I was relieved. I got involved in theatre club, which had gave me so many new knowledge, experiences, and new friends. I got my chance to act in Istana Budaya- was very proud of it- and  I got to act as main character in our drama class project. It was awesome! I got my friends at my back and my family who always supports me from behind and I’m very very thankful for that. they are the reasons that I’m still have the guts to walk on this land and lift my face up facing all the challenges even though in my heart, I was deeply hurt. Despite all the good things that happened to me, one thing that still has its scar here in my heart is that, I broke up with my ex-boyfriend cum someone’s husband now. Yes, he left me for another woman and they got married. They got married! God knows how my heart was tear apart so roughly like my heart was not even worth it. I felt like dying, I cried 3 nights in a row, my eyes were so swollen, and I can’t even look at the mirror. I was so sad. It felt like someone has murdered me on the inside but I still live on, with the wound unhealed. It hurts so bad. So so bad. A silent death for me. After a week, I tried to get over it. I cannot be like that. I am not going to show to other people that side of me. Owh no, I’m not going to. So there I live, for a few months trying to heal my heart alone with the help from Mr. Time but even he can’t help to heal it fully. The new semester has started; I was almost no longer in thoughts of him. I feel free. With all my friends besides me, what more can I ask for? But something came to my realization. All of them are already taken. They have boyfriends. They are not like me. Again, I was devastated but I kept it alone. I am not mad at them. It’s their choice to love and to be loved and who am I to say no to them? Plus, they never ignore me; in fact they are always there when I need them. The people who concern and I am very glad. Thanks you guys..thanks for taking care of me so well. I love you guys no matter what happened..bfffff!! J But lately, the sadness comes again. If you see the weather now, my heart is like that. Cloudy, rainy and stormy. I cry easily nowadays. I wept when I see movies, when I see people holding hands, when I see happy smiling couples. It hurts my feeling for the fact that I’m still alone after 7 months he left me. Everyone else is so happy and I’m the one without any partner, without anyone to hold and to love. I can see happiness in their eyes when they told me about their bf. I can see the excitements and the fun behind all these coupling thingy- something that I had left behind. I miss the feeling. I really do. I want to miss someone, to love someone too but I don’t have anyone. When I was pretty sad with my unloved condition, something happened. I’ll tell you all in the next chapter of my life. Flip through to read..

Hello World

hai world. my name is Mistress of  Arts. no. my Name is atirah. and i have a story to tell. the story of my life. i hope you’ll stay to read. even though i know my story is not that much of fun to read. still, i’m going to write it down. when my heart can no longer bear with it. when my friends can no more listen to it. when my head is full of it. i need to write it down. my story of my own life of my own journey. i write what i like. i write from my heart. i am going to start it now. so buckle up your seatbelt and enjoy the ride. days of happiness and days of sadness. all in one blog. enjoy…~~